i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
