Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
