2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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