Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize