I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
