So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
