He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
