I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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