I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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