hotel room ftw
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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