you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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