Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
