I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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