You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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