you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
