Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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