I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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