Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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