So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
