I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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