so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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