She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize