We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
