I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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