I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
