So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
