My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I just put wine in my tea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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