if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
