I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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