My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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