I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
