I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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