The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
