please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
