Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
