Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
