whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
