Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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