Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
