I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize