I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
