she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize