I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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