My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
