Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
