once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
