she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have tasted many bathrooms
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
