Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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