well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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