my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
