im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize