You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
