remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
