Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
