He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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