I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have already put on my inside pants.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize