If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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