Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
