I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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